So what does this have to do with Suburban Aussie Dad? Well, it all started with a sticky tap. The cold tap in our thirty year old kitchen became really sticky and had to be cranked down as hard as it could go in order to turn the water off. A few months earlier, a neighbour had tried to re-seat the taps for me but we couldn't remove the spindle, so I knew it wouldn't be an easy job to simply replace a worn washer. As a result, I did the typical home-handy man thing and ignored the problem hoping it would get better. Naturally, this resulted in my cracking the ancient brown plastic imitation glass tap handle, and so know the tap wouldn't work at all. Therefore, the next morning Evan and I went to our nearest warehouse hardware store after dropping the better half at work, to get some new taps. However, before work could begin, dishes needed to be done and the kitchen cleaned.
Still desperately trying to avoid having to remove the assembly, I first removed the old tap and tried to fit the new taps. Naturally, things did not go smoothly. With the old handle removed, I discovered that the shape of the mountings of the new tap were different to those of the old tap and so there was no way it was going to work: I was going to have to go back to the hardware store. It was at this point that I caught my first fleeting glimpse of Hyde in the reflection of our stainless steel toaster.
Unfortunately, before this could happen I needed to begin my second project for the day: smoking two orange marinated ducks. I went outside and spent some time setting up my smoker and lighting the fire. As I walked past the kitchen window it was Dr Jekyll who's image I glimpsed. While I was waiting for the coals to get hot, I left Grammy at home with Evan, now asleep for his morning nap, and headed back to the hardware store to try and come up with another solution. Before this trip could be made I decided I was going to remove the tap spindle and take it with me to make certain I got something that would work with my antique taps. This process took about forty minutes of sweating, cursing, pushing, cursing, pulling, cursing, and then some more cursing. Finally I got the ancient spindle separated from the rest of the tap assembly, thanks in no small part to Mr Hyde's superhuman strength.
Thus I was into the car and back to the hardware store, where a conversation with their plumber revealed that my tap assemblies were approximately one hundred years old, despite the house only being thirty years old and there were no products I could buy that would work with my old spindles. The solution therefore, was to buy all new spindles and equipment. The plumber gave me the required components and off I went.
Arriving back at home, the coals were ready to put in the smoker, so the plumbing components got put aside and I went out to the backyard. As soon as I stepped outside I could feel Hyde slipping away and the dulcet tones of Dr Jekyll filled my ears as I began to work on the smoker. I set up the hardware, got the fire the way I wanted it and when I was happy that it was stable at the desired temperature, I put on the ducks. Sadly, I knew I had to finish fixing the taps, especially as the water was switched off and I'd been running around to the front yard of the neighbour's house to wash my hands and fill buckets of water for the smoker! Accordingly, I took three long deep breaths and entered back into the kitchen.
I opened the packet containing the new spindles and the chrome-look plastic trim sleeves and set about my task. The new spindles fit beautifully into the old fittings, Dr Jekyll broke into a rousing rendition of 'God Save our King' and things were looking great. However, nothing could save the King from taking an absolute ear bashing from Hyde when the trim sleeves didn't fit: they were too wide. I later found out he'd sold me a set for wall mounted taps, not those mounted in a sink. So great was the wrath spewing forth from the cracked, broken, ground, rotting-teethed mouth of Mr Hyde that Grammy offered to take Evan to her place for the afternoon while I finished 'fixing' the sink. The ducks were slowly smoking out in the yard so it was back in the car for a third trip to the hardware store.
The plumber at the hardware store rolled his eyes when he saw me walking toward him and said 'This job is becoming a bit of a marathon for you, isn't it?'. Hyde managed to growl something semi-polite before explaining the latest problem and finally left with two separate spindles and smaller trim sleeves.
From my vantage point at the kitchen sink I could see my smoker doing it's thing in the back yard and my remote thermometer told me that the temperatures were where I expected. That fleeting glimpse of Dr Jekyll in my stainless steel toaster was the last I saw of him for a while.
The second set of new spindles also fit beautifully and even better, the trim sleeves fit as well. Things were looking good until it came time to fit the new taps: the new handles sat so low on the new spindles that I couldn't shut off the water as the taps wound right down onto the trim sleeves. Unfortunately removing the trim sleeves didn't help: I could shut off the water, but I had to use all of Hyde's rage-induced strength to wrestle the taps down hard against the sink.
After checking the smoker again, it was back to the hardware store before stopping in to pick up the wife from work and heading home. (That's four trips to the hardware store for those keeping count!) The car ride was pleasant if restrained until the wife asked me how the day had gone. Then it was a titanic struggle between Jekyll and Hyde as our car began careening through traffic. Fortunately Hyde is unable to drive like Vin Diesel and curse like Eddie Murphy at the same time, due to the soul-ripping rage and so we made it home safely. At this point my wife decided she'd like to go to Grammy's house to 'see how Evan's doing'.
If you've been paying attention, you can probably predict that the spindle extensions the hardware store sold me wouldn't fit. My wife arrived home around the same time and upon hearing Hyde doing his thing in the kitchen, called out from the driveway that she'd called a plumber who was going to be there in an hour and that I should go out back, sit in the hammock, watch the smoker and play some guitar. After thinking this over for a few moments, I packed up the circular saw, erased the cut lines from around the sink and Hyde and I skulked out back.
By the time the plumbers arrived Jekyll was back in control enough to be polite to the men who were here to finish my job and it was at this point that Jekyll began to tighten the arm bar on Hyde and my day turned around. What was supposed to be a quick, emasculating job of fitting a tap which should have taken one plumber ten minutes took two plumbers almost an hour. Turns out they had to re-level the whole tap assembly which involved cutting out the old copper pipes under the sink, changing the mounting points and fitting braided lines, like after market hoses on an eighteen year old boy racer's imported Japanese drift car. Bottom line, it wasn't a simple job that I could have simply done by my simple self. Masculinity and more importantly ego, restored.
Which leads to the diamond hidden within the rock of my day: my twin smoked orange marinated ducks. Sometime between trip two and trip four to the hardware store I put on a pan of vegetables once the smoking phase had finished. The finished results speak for themselves.
The question that has to be asked must be: what did Suburban Aussie Dad learn from all this? That it doesn't matter if you fail at something that you try and do. Your whole day can be one trip down the porcelain bus after another, but something will go right for you somewhere in your day. Take that victory and to say to hell with the rest. Keep that success in your mind and the next day will seem easier. That's what I'm telling myself anyway! ;)
Cheers,
Ben
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